Print this pageTalking to Children
Explaining What Has Happened
When someone special has died, children need to be informed in a way that is appropriate to their age and level of understanding. It may feel like one of the hardest things you will have to say to them and the fear is that you will make them upset, even break their hearts. From talking to children who have been through this experience they often say that they would prefer to be told rather than not at all.
In our experience it is most helpful if the word dead is used. Phrases like passed away or gone to sleep may be especially confusing to a young child. If the person has gone to sleep who else in the family will go to sleep and not wake up? Children need a clear and honest account of what has happened and why. This doesn't mean to say that they have to be told everything in great detail all at once but just given a simple, clear explanation. For example daddy had a poorly heart, it stopped working and the doctors tried their best but they couldn't fix it so he has died. Honest explanations are also helpful when someone has chosen to end their life.
Some of the parents and carers that we have met often feel worried that they might cry in front of their children, particularly when they are explaining what has happened. We believe that it is ok to cry in front of children at times. It gives them a message that it is ok for them to cry and that this is an ok response, after all something very sad has occurred.
Once you have talked with your child or children, they may need you to let them know that they can ask questions now or as they think of them. Sometimes children will simply leave the room or change the subject, this can usually indicate that they need some time to process what they have heard.
Some families already have their own beliefs about what happens to a person's spirit when they have died. These ideas may be of comfort.
Helpful Books:
Waterbugs and dragonflies. (1982) Doris Stickney. Continuum. ISBN 0826471811. A short story to help children think about what happens to a person's spirit after they have died.
Someone Very Important Has Just Died. (2005). Mary Turner. Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 1843102951. Information for adults caring for children who have just been bereaved.
Beyond the rough rock. (2001) Winston's Wish. ISBN 0953912337. This book offers information to parents and carers who are supporting children bereaved through suicide.
A child's grief. (2005) Winston's Wish. ISBN 0953912361. This book offers information for parents and carers in supporting children when someone special has died.
What's Dead Mean? (2001) Doris Zagdanski. Hill of Content. ISBN 0855723165. This book is written to explain death to 3 - 7 year olds. As well as an explanation of death written for this age group there are pages of information for parents and carers and space to draw.
Previous page: Information for Parents and Carers
Next page: Attending the Funeral
