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Supporting Children Who Are Grieving
How children might experience grief
Grief is something that we all experience when someone very precious to us has died. How a child might experience grief may depend on their age and level of understanding. Other factors that might influence how they respond may be whether or not they have had a bereavement before and how the rest of the family reacts.
Some of the ways that children express grief are by:
- acting out, particularly in an angry way
- becoming more clingy than usual
- finding it hard to get to sleep or having nightmares or terrors
- regressing for example beginning to bed wet
- withdrawing from their usual activities or friends
- finding it hard to concentrate
- eating more or less than usual
- thinking about death or expressing a wish to die to be with the person
- having aches or pains without a physical cause
- switching from feeling sad to acting as if nothing has happened
This is not an exhaustive list but just some of the common experiences that children have told us about.
What families can do
It is OK to cry Although everyone may want to protect each other by not showing feelings openly, it can be helpful for children to see others crying. This can give a message that it is ok for them to cry too.
Offer reassurance Children may need reassurance that what they are feeling is usual as they may worry that they are not 'normal' or 'going mad'. They may also need reassurance that at the moment other important people in their lives are not ill and hopefully wont die for a very long time yet.
Express anger safely If children are feeling angry it would be useful to think about safe ways of releasing anger for example through physical activity such as football or using a punch bag or pillow.
Keep up routines When someone special has died it may leave children feeling insecure. Keeping up usual routines as much as possible can enable children to feel safer.
Find ways to remember Remembering the special person can be really important to children so as a family you could collect together memories, perhaps make a memory book or box.
Keep in touch with school School may be able to offer a key person for a child to talk to if they would like to. School can also let you know if they notice any changes in behaviour or if there is anything coming up that may provoke feelings of grief for example doing a project about families or death rituals.
Resources
Grief In Children. (2008). A. Dyregrov. Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 1843106124. Explains children's understanding of death at different ages and how the adults around them can best help them cope.
grief encounter. (2004). S. Gilbert. Grief Encounter Project. ISBN 1904787215. A workbook to encourage conversations about loss between children and adults.
The Forgotten Mourners. (1999). S. C. Smith. Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 1853027588. Information about the impact of bereavement on children and what significant people can do to help them.
Out of the Blue. (2006). J. Stokes & P. Oxley. Hawthorn Press: Gloucestershire. ISBN 1903458714. An activity book for young people when someone special has died.
Muddles Puddles and Sunshine. (2000). Winston's Wish. ISBN 1869890582. An activity book designed to help children when someone special has died.
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