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Involving Children

Seeing the Body

It can be helpful for children to be given a choice about going to see the body of their loved one. Some children ask if they can go whilst others are clear that they don't want to go. It would be helpful to take some time to explain what going to see the body would be like, so for example: the person might look like they are asleep but they aren't, they have died; and if we touch them they will feel cold. They may also like to choose who will go with them. Alternatively, some children like to choose an object or write or draw something to be placed with the person in the coffin.
 

Attending the Funeral

It can also be helpful for children to be given a choice about whether they would want to attend the funeral or not. Funerals can be a chance for everyone to say a goodbye together. Children will need an explanation of exactly what will happen and what they will see. They may even want to do something like read a poem or light a candle or even choose some music. It might be useful to identify someone who is known to your child already, who can be there to support them. It may be important to explain again to young children that the person has died so they cannot feel anything or breathe. Otherwise they may have worries about the person feeling pain or fear.
 

Creating Your Own Ritual

If you or your children decide that they are not going to the funeral then that doesn't mean that you cannot create your own ceremony as a family. Some of the families that we have met have created their own special ritual by: releasing a biodegradeable balloon at a special place; placing flowers in a river or sea; blowing bubbles at a significant spot; putting a potted plant in the garden; or having a special candle or lantern to light together.
 

Resources

See Explaining What Has Happened for details of some books to help.
 


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Children we help

 

 

Beth aged 14 years came to a group programme after her dad had died suddenly and unexpectedly. She was having difficulty concentrating at school and felt that it was hard for others to understand how she was feeling. Her relationship with her dad hadn't always been easy and she was struggling with her guilt. At the group she met other young people who had experienced the death of someone significant to them. They shared their coping strategies with Beth. She began to realise that others had a similar mix of feelings as well as good and not so good memories. She felt less alone in her grief and found a new supportive network of friends.